Bullying, harassment or just joking around?

By Kelsie Coccia, 15, and Megan Maas, 13, with contributions from Kaitlyn Ball, 10; Paige Gilbert, 12, and Traci Hicks, 11

Walking down the halls of any school you can see kids pushing, teasing and calling names. It's just what happens when you put a bunch of kids together. Sometimes even teachers and staff join in the fun. But when has joking around gone too far?

For one girl, it was when it ruined a friendship.

Throughout sixth grade, Jane, of Marquette was a close friend with a classmate, John. In seventh grade, a problem developed. Jane's teacher began suggesting that she and John liked each other as girlfriend and boyfriend, and the idea spread through the school like wildfire.

"I think that they just wanted to get us rattled and see what we would do as opposed to actually bother us," said Jane, whose name, along with John's, has been changed for this story.

Even after Jane and John tried ignoring the teasing, telling kids to stop, and even telling the teacher to stop, the problem continued all year long. In the end they decided that it would be easier to stop being friends then to deal with all the teasing.

Some people might call this a case of bullying or harassment, but according to Jane, it's not so clear.

"I don't think it was a serious thing," she said. "I think they were just screwing around with us. If it had escalated to something where it really bothered us to the point where they made us cry, we would have told somebody else."

So what is bullying or harassment?

The line between joking around and bullying or harassment is a fine one. So how do local kids define these behaviors?

"I think bullying is when some kids pick on other kids for no reason at all," said Eric Wagner, 12, of Marquette.

"When someone picks on someone else for usually not that big a reason," said Beth Cipriano, 12, of Marquette.

"Kids being mean to each other because of low self-esteem," said Devin Lavey, 13, of Marquette.

Bothwell Middle School in Marquette has its own definitions.

"Bullying is defined in our school handbook as including but not limited to, verbal assaults, emotional abuse, and physical threats or attack," said Lesley Addison, a guidance counselor at Bothwell.

"A verbal assault would be calling names, saying very hateful, hurtful things to people in a very loud negative way," Addison said. "Leaving people out, spreading rumors about someone to make them feel bad, pretending to be friends with them and not really being—those things are emotional abuse. Walking up to someone and saying, ‘I'm going to beat you up after school,' is a physical threat."

Many students, as well as adults, assume that bullying and harassment are the same thing, but there are differences.

"Bullying is kind of a power thing," Addison said. "Someone wants to have some control over someone else or wants to show that they're more powerful and wants to make someone else feel less than them.

"Harassment is more like teasing to the extreme. Maybe it starts out as fun, but it goes too far. We define harassment as any unwelcome behavior—so anything that's happening to you that someone else is doing that you don't like that's intended to hurt you, to demean you, to embarrass you in some way."

Why are kids bullied?

Some kids are bullied or harassed more than others. But what makes them stand out in the crowd?

"Because they're different," Wagner said. "Because they're smart. Because they don't fit in. Because they don't have the latest things. Because maybe you just don't like them so you bully them as retaliation for what they've done to you."

Self-esteem also seems to play a role in who gets bullied.

"The bullies know that they probably don't have high self-esteem and that they think that they're not as good as everybody, so the bullies think they're an easy target," Lavey said.

Or maybe the bullies are just trying to get a rise out of their victims.

"People know that they may not try to fight back and they'll show the reaction they want usually," Cipriano said.

Dealing with bullying

At Bothwell, discipline for bullying and harassment can range from detention to school expulsion depending on the number and severity of the offenses.

To get at the root of the problem, the school has started using the Second Step program this year.

"The focus of Second Step is helping students understand how they feel, take into consideration how other people feel, being empathetic or learning empathy," Addison said.

Empathy is an important step in helping people figure out how to solve the problems of bullying and harassment, Addison said.

"Before they can solve the problem they have to figure out what the problem is," she said, "and they have to figure out how they feel and why they feel that way, and also how does the other person feel and why do they feel that way."

Addison has seen some positive effects of the program.

"I overheard another person talking about a teacher handling a situation with a student, and the teacher actually talked about, ‘Remember we learned about empathy. Remember we talked about what it would feel like to be in that person's shoes.' And the student was able to say, ‘Yeah, now that I think about it, that probably really didn't feel good, so I'm going to apologize to her.'"

Some kids think the program is working.

"The Second Step program is really telling us what bullying is and how to deal with it," Lavey said.

However, some students feel that the program isn't as effective as it should be.

"I think they should do more hands-on things, like watch out in the halls and focus more on the people you notice bullying, and not as much on the people not bullying," Wagner said.

No one should go it alone

An important thing for kids to remember is that if they're being bullied or harassed, they don't have to go through it alone, said Jane.

"You should always tell somebody that you trust, whether it be a friend or an adult, a parent, a teacher, anybody, and they can help you get through it," she said. "They can talk to you or they can talk to the person that's doing it and try and get them to stop."

In Jane's situation, she had a strong support system.

"My parents, and my little sister helped me a lot," she said. "And my really close friends, they kind of helped to tell me to just ignore them, they're wrong. My mom always told me it doesn't matter what they say; just ignore them, and eventually if they realize it's not bothering you they'll leave you alone."

Addison agrees that whether it's bullying or harassment, it's not up to just one person to solve the problem.

"We have a responsibility to each other," Addison said. "Every teacher, every staff person, every student, every parent, every community member has an opportunity to make a difference by teaching, modeling, reinforcing kind and respectful ways of dealing with people by stepping in when they see someone who looks like they're being harassed or bullied and saying, ‘You know what? It's not OK to treat each other that way. What is the problem? How can we help solve it?'

"It is everyone's responsibility."