Kids and Parents Strengthen Bonds through Shared Activities

By Thorin Burkhard-Horn, 16, and Joseph Short, 14, with contributions from David Broadway, 10; Erin Mahaney, 10, and Connor Remsburg, 10

Most parents shuttle their kids from one after-school activity to another, but not nearly as many parents participate in those activities. According to local kids and parents, parental involvement in kids’ activities helps the parent and child form a closer relationship. 8-18 Media spoke with two families with parents who are active in their children’s activities.

A hockey family
Dan Boyle of Marquette believes it’s important to support his son Tony, 13, by attending all of his junior hockey games. But Boyle takes it one step further; he has coached Tony’s teams for many years.

Boyle has made a commitment to be involved in his kids’ activities. He has been a hockey coach for about 20 years and has coached his children’s teams the last 12 years. Last year he coached Tony’s team.

During the hockey season Boyle spends a lot of time with Tony on the ice.

“The biggest benefit of coaching your kids’ team or being involved in your kids’ activities is the fact that you get to spend more time with them,” Boyle said. “You get a lot of quality, one-on-one time with them. I have three children, so I really look forward to the times that I get to spend one-on-one with each of my kids. As a parent I want to spend as much time with my kids as I possibly can.”

Boyle has also been involved in the activities of his other children, Nick, 16, and Katlyn, 11.

“I try to keep involved with my children no matter what it is. A lot of times it’s just on a voluntary capacity, just doing whatever I’m asked of to keep things going,” he said.

It may sound easy for parents to be involved, but there are always challenges according to Boyle. In his years as a coach, he has worked with kids from age three all the way through high school. He says he is a unique coach in that he is a little bit harder on his own children. That has caused some conflict with his kids.

“I want to make sure that I don’t favor my children. I sometimes go overboard and I’m a little rougher on my kids and I use them as examples, which is probably unfair sometimes,” Boyle said. “But you have a really fine balancing act. You want your kids to do well. You want them to succeed. You want them to have a positive experience.

“Yet there’s times where you have to keep things moving. You’re with them all the time so you don’t have that time away where if you do get into a heated discussion or animated discussion you don’t have that cooling off time.”

Tony understands his dad’s coaching methods but knows that he has to push himself harder in order to set a good example for the rest of the team.

“He makes me work harder than everyone else, and I’m more likely to get in trouble than anyone else. It’s kind of the opposite of what you would think with a parent coaching,” Tony said. “He makes us go to our limits, pushes us past them if he can, but when your dad is the coach you kind of bring it on yourself, too, to work harder.”

Tony also feels some pressure as he works with his team members.

“They think that you’re probably not good enough and you’re only on the team because your dad is coach,” he said.

As coach, Boyle has his work cut out for him trying to make sure that he doesn’t undermine the spirit of teamwork.

“I think that’s key in anybody who’s going to volunteer and be a mentor, be a coach, be a team leader, be a troop leader, or anything like that, that they need to make sure that they’re doing it for all the kids, not just for their child. They need to do it for everybody,” he said.

Because Boyle is around a lot of kids, he feels he has a better understanding of what is going on in his own kids’ lives.

“Being involved with my kids’ activities, one of the biggest things that make me a better parent is I found out more about what’s going on in their lives, what kind of problems they face. Sometimes I’m a little bit more receptive to things that are going on. And other times I see some bad things that are going on. I try to head it off at the pass and make sure my kids don’t do it.”

Hockey has provided a way for Boyle to communicate with his children. But not all parents have the ability to take up a leadership role in their children’s interests. Boyle says that there is a basic level of involvement and support that parents need to have.

“You don’t always have to be a coach or a team leader or troop leader or something to be involved in your kid’s activities, but you do need to be there to support them, and you do need to let them know that what they’re doing is a good thing and that you’re proud of them,” he said.

Nick also had his dad as a coach and received many benefits and life lessons from the experience. Nick helped coach Tony’s team alongside his dad the last three years.

“I got to get into him and know a little more about him than I had. I got to learn about his coaching strategies and what made him think about the game and the perspectives he had about it,” Nick said.

Just like most kids, there have been times when the Boyle siblings were embarrassed because of their dad’s involvement.

“I remember he was screaming at the top of his lungs at one game because a ref wasn’t the best,” Nick said. “It was kind of embarrassing because I was sitting on the bench and I just wanted to say, ‘Dad, can you please be quiet and let us play?’ because it was a bad game. The reffing was bad, but he wanted to make sure that none of the players got hurt.”

In the end, Nick’s hockey experience with his dad has helped him considerably. The family recently made the decision for Nick to play a more advanced level of hockey with the Green Bay Gamblers which meant he would have to live with another family in Green Bay during the season.

“You actually start to think about leaving the house for the first time, and you think about what your family did for you and what you’re going to miss about them,” Nick said. “Actually, I keep thinking of my dad; he’s not going to be there. After practices he was normally there. He has picked me up and told me as soon as we get in the car that this is what you gotta work on. Now that I’m driving, I’m not going to have him helping me improve. I’m going to miss that.”

From Girl Scouts to Science Olympiad
Judy Johnson of Skandia is another involved parent. She and her husband, Wayne have volunteered regularly over the years in the activities of their daughters Anna, 20, and twins Kate and Sarah, 18. Johnson has been a leader of Girl Scouts, Odyssey of the Mind and Science Olympiad. She has always been willing to help out.

“I think it gives a level of importance that you will do what you can to support your child’s interests,” Johnson said. “I hope that they’ve always felt that I will help this group that they’re interested in and they realize that I feel what they’re doing is important and therefore they’re important.”

When Johnson was a high schooler so few programs existed that it was difficult for her parents to find a way to be involved. However today there are more opportunities and kids are finding out what it’s like to have their parents in their activities.

Kate has felt a stronger bond with her parents due to their active participation and leadership roles.

“I’ve become a lot closer with my parents since they’ve been involved with my activities, and we’ve come to understand each other a lot better through learning processes,” Kate said. “It’s led me to becoming more understanding and more accepting of adults. I understand where they’re coming from more since I see how my parents work through problems.

“With my mom, we understand each other on deeper levels because we’re always working with each other. My dad and I can get kind of frustrated with each other at times because we don’t really see eye-to-eye as much as me and my mom. But in the end it’s a better bonding relationship for us because I get to spend that much more time with them learning.”

The parents have also learned more about their children through sharing in their difficulties and their accomplishments.

“I think we really know how each other figures things out and thinks,” Johnson said. “We understand how each one starts with something and what they can manage and how they can get from point A to point B. My kids know how I get there; I know how they get there. We learn that very well through doing all these things.”

Johnson believes that keeping children busy keeps them out of trouble, especially when the kids are genuinely enthusiastic about the activities.

“If they’re just there to hang out with a group, they might still have time to find other things that take them in different directions. But if they’re part of a group that they want to achieve something in, I really think that keeps kids pretty busy. Also knowing that it’s important in the family, there’s a sense of respect for the group. My kids, I don’t think wanted to disrespect that by getting involved in negative things that might take them out of the group.”

Family support has been important to Kate.

“My parents really motivate me to stay involved and to keep going with things,” Kate said. “I might get frustrated and might want to drop out of, say, basketball, but my parents really kept me going and they gave me the encouragement I needed to stay in the activity.”

Johnson said that getting to know her daughters as people involved in a group, versus just her daughters at home, has been extremely rewarding.

“I would encourage anybody to find some level to work with your kids and have those types of conversations that are beyond the normal household conversations,” Johnson said.

Even though the Johnson family has a good relationship, occasionally Kate needs some space from her parents.

“Sometimes when my parents try and help out I’m just, ‘Leave me alone. I don’t want your help,’ because I want to do it on my own and they understand that,” she said. “Just because I told them I don’t want help doesn’t mean that they won’t give me help if I need it.

“Though it may seem like they’re just being a nuisance, your parents really do have your best interests at heart most of the time. And it’s nice having a supporting leader that you can rely on.”